If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
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A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
I’ll be mad as hell!
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
anyone else like Italian cereal
He-man has a Masters degree
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.