Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
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I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.