what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
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I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
wtf is a larm clock?
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit