You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
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Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
#SCOTUS one-star review
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.