Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
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*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
also my go-to takeaway order
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other