I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
You Might Also Like
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Personal question. #JustSaying
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
12. I think about this all the damn time
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.