Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
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Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last