where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
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Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
#winning
broke down and did it
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
*has no idea what a book even is*
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?