My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
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My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Me recordaron éste meme