Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
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Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
I wish this was real life…
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.