*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
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Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
In banana years, I am bread.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?