It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
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Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
.
.
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?