ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
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They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
A family that plays together cheats.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
#Caturday
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used