Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
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Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.