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Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
me 2 months after i graduated
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
*lint rolls you awake*
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes