I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
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My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Does this dress make me look cat?
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face