“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
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What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
when dads have a rap battle
Super Hand Dog Face
My blood type is coffee.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️