“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
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For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
cyclists
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Only Americans understand
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
This cat wants you to take your pills