[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
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Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.