“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
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Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Previously On Persistence 😎
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.