I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
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Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Realize this:
how to exercise your calf muscles
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.