ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
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Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy