Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
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If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.