Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
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Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?