*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
You Might Also Like
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas