If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
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i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Duolingo getting serious.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.