I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
You Might Also Like
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don鈥檛 appreciate the judgmental tone you鈥檙e using right now
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 馃槻
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
If you text your boss that you can鈥檛 come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn鈥檛 ask any questions.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
馃槀馃槶
Apparently I鈥檓 only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
These are too funny not to post 馃槀
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
TwinzerMom: Where鈥檇 you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there鈥檚 powdered sugar in your beard
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like 鈥渢his is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you鈥檙e saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.