Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
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Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
dogs can find happiness so easily
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars