[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
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In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Are we there yet?…
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Chicago sounds lovely.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home