“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
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[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.