When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
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There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.