[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
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Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
o shit
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
After 35, your body ages in dog years
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
When someone says you are so lazy
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.