[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
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Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Tremendous stuff
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.