cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
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Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.