Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
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Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.