My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
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FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.