There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
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Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Anime is real
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Cheer up.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half