Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
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Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
when there are deer in the woods
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80