when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
You Might Also Like
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”