virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate usđ¤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didnât wanna cancel
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me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said âcan I buy you a drink?â
I replied âsorry Iâm married.â
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how itâs been isolating alone
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] Iâll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say âI need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.â I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
a badder mouse
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.