Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
You Might Also Like
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
This is true.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.