Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
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My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
The whispering voices in horror movies but they鈥檙e complaining about unfolded laundry.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
mmm onion ringos
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
peeping toms
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 馃ぇ馃檮
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
sounds kinky. i鈥檓 in.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.