If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
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I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Looking at you, Jesus.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
And they lived apathetically ever after.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.