Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
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like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.