DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
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You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.