[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
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I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.