If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
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If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.