You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
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2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.