I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
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i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please