BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
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daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water